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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26794264">Tonight on the School Run</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176'>Tadpole4176</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Top Gear (UK) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Kidfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:53:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26794264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?</p><p>The next series of Top Gear begins, but Stig's fountain of youth seems to be permanent, so they decide to test the vehicle best suited to the school run.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Tonight on the School Run</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Tonight on Top Gear,” began Jeremy, looking out at the audience and gauging their reaction to his appearance. “I learn to tie a tie,” an image of Jeremy struggling with a striped school tie wrapped round his hair appeared on the monitors</p><p>“James gets down with the youth.” The monitors changed to show James nodding along as some kids outside a school are attempting to play guitar.</p><p>“And Richard…” Uncharacteristically, Jeremy paused, almost afraid to tell them about Richard. Certainly, Richard had had the worst case of stage fright Jeremy had ever seen in him, significantly worse than the first episode of Top Gear. “Richard becomes even harder to find than usual.”</p><p>The audience laughed, obviously assuming that the joke was another typical dig at Richard’s height, until the Stig walked onto the stage with his hands on his hips, clearly glaring at everyone, including Jeremy.</p><p>Jeremy held his hands up. “I’m helping him, Stig! We’re still allowed to find it a bit funny.”</p><p>The Stig’s right arm moved from his hip towards Jeremy’s face, his index finger slowly extending outwards and shaking at Jeremy.</p><p>“Sorry Stig,” said Jeremy. “I won’t laugh until he finds it funny, better?”</p><p>Stig paused, but then slowly nodded his head, and after a sweeping look around the audience, marched out again.</p><p>“Right then,” spluttered Jeremy, looking behind him to see if his co-presenters had appeared yet, there was still no sign of them. “I realise that tonight it looks like the program is a complete shambles, and I grant you you’re not entirely wrong, even without his royal Stigness putting in an unscheduled objection. But let’s just say that we’ve had an interesting few weeks. I’m sure you can’t fail to notice my appearance, if only because the size of my hair has increased dramatically.”</p><p>“Oh yeah, the afro’s back,” came James’s voice – finally – as he appeared on the stage. “And I’m,” he gestured to himself. “Well, I’m not entirely myself either.”</p><p>“And those of you with a few maths skills might be wondering about the Hamster,” added Jeremy. “You’d be right to wonder. But,” and this time Jeremy held up his finger. “If you tease him about it, you’ll have the Stig to answer to.”</p><p>James grinned. “Yeah, Stig’s got a bit of a soft spot for mini Hamster.”</p><p>“With that in mind,” said Jeremy, waving his arm in the direction of James and – hopefully – Richard. “Richard Hammond is going to have to stop hiding behind the cameramen.”</p><p>Slowly, looking more timid than Jeremy had ever seen him, tiny, 12 year old, Richard emerged onto the stage to a gasp from the audience.</p><p>“We’re not saying anything else about it,” declared Richard. “Let’s just say Stig found the fountain of youth, because this great oaf was thinking of retiring, and he wasn’t that careful with his dosage.”</p><p>“You just didn’t have enough years to spare, it was careless of you getting born so late!” said James.</p><p>“Yes, I’ve often thought that,” agreed Richard, raising his eyebrow in a manner that echoed older Richard perfectly, but still seemed bizarre on his youthful face.</p><p>“But I’m no longer thinking of retiring,” put in Jeremy.</p><p>“Just when we thought we’d get some peace,” added James.</p><p>Jeremy grinned. “Anyhow, this week, in the circumstances, we thought we’d look into the best car for doing the school run.”</p><p>Richard stepped in, his nerves gone, exactly as he would do normally. “Several of the producers have small children…”</p><p>“In some cases grandchildren,” put in Jeremy.</p><p>“Yes, and they have recently begun embarking on the school run in their cars. They argue that it is essential to have a sensible people carrier or SUV for this journey, even if you’re only going a couple of miles.”</p><p>“We disagreed,” said James. “We suggest that having one of those cars – even if you do have small children – is a sign that you’ve given up. And it’s also really terrible for seeing other people’s small children when you’re parking up.” He looked down at Richard.</p><p>“Not that we’re all that troubled by other people’s small children,” added Jeremy, ignoring James’s resulting glare.</p><p>“We thought we could do better,” interrupted Richard, before they went any further. “So the producers gave two of us – them – two thousand pounds each and sent them off to find more appropriate cars. Whilst I got to act as a test subject, sort of. Initially.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed dramatically. “Something I think might be happening too much for my liking in the next few years.”</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“Obviously, I’ve done this properly,” said James, pulling up outside a school in a sporty little Mini Cooper S. “I’ve gone for a small, but fun car – the BMW Mini. It’s not tiny, it’s got plenty of space if you collapse the back seats down for luggage, or alternatively you’ve got room in the back for kids, but it’s not unnecessarily big either, and it’s still fun to drive.” He reached out to pat the car on the roof. “It’s great.”</p><p>Before he could get any further, there was an engine roar behind him as Jeremy pulled up at the roadside in an old Mazda MX5 with the roof down, despite the gathering grey clouds above them.</p><p>“What have you done?” exclaimed James.</p><p>“It’s a Mazda! We like the Mazda,” protested Jeremy.</p><p>“It’s a lovely car, but you’ve got to get children into it, where are they going to go?”</p><p>“We’ve only got the one child,” declared Jeremy. “And he’s tiny, it’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Where is he?” asked James.</p><p>“In school,” said Jeremy. “We’ve got to fetch him.”</p><p>“Both of us? At the same time?”</p><p>“Which car do you think he’ll choose?” grinned Jeremy, looking smug.</p><p> “Bollocks,” said James. “I got a car seat and everything.”</p><p>“A car seat?” said Jeremy. “He doesn’t need a car seat!”</p><p>“He does,” insisted James. “I checked. There are regulations. In fact, I think you’ll find it’s illegal for him to travel in your car without one, so it doesn’t matter if he likes yours better, he’ll still have to go home in mine.”</p><p>“I’ll take a bigger child home,” decided Jeremy. “He’s bound to have a friend.”</p><p>“Really?” laughed James. “After we made him go to school for the day for this test? We’ll be lucky if we don’t get called in because he’s got in a fight.”</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Richard wasn’t in the best mood when he finally emerged from the school gates. His school tie hung partially unknotted and most of the way down his chest, and his trousers had an enormous hole right across his knee. He face, however, told the majority of the story, it featured a glower that could probably be felt a couple of miles away.</p><p>“How was school then?” asked James, bravely.</p><p>“Horrible, just like I remember,” said Richard, thrusting his hands in his pockets. “I really don’t see why this part had to be authentic. What does it matter?”</p><p>“Because we like to do things properly. You can’t be a school child getting a lift home from school unless you’ve done at least a little of the school part.”</p><p>“It was only a day,” observed Jeremy.</p><p>“That was plenty,” muttered Richard. “We did sex education.”</p><p>James winced.</p><p>“We’ve got good cars to choose from,” added Jeremy, waving in the direction of the two cars. “Obviously, mine’s the best.”</p><p>The corners of Richard’s mouth did turn up a little at the sight of the two cars, though he resisted admitting it for several moments, keeping his hands stuffed in his pockets and continuing to glare at his friends.</p><p>“Well, I’d have to go with the ape on this one,” said Richard, finally. “It’s magnificent.”</p><p>“There’s a small snag with that,” put in James, smirking a little, but still cautious with this new version of his friend.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“He didn’t buy a car seat.”</p><p>“What! I don’t…” Richard trailed off. “Really? I’m supposed to use a car seat?!”</p><p>“That’s fine,” said Jeremy firmly. “You can use the car seat James helpfully provided.” He moved to the hatchback and opened the passenger door, easily grabbing the booster cushion and moving it into the Mazda.</p><p>James sighed, but didn’t seem overly troubled. “I’ll see you at home,” he tossed at them, as he climbed into the driver’s seat of the mini and started the engine, driving off in entirely the wrong direction.</p><p> </p><p>……………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>The studio audience laughed with them as the video ended, Jeremy pulling a smug grin and making the loser symbol at James.</p><p>“I suggest that was cheating,” James responded, his hands on his hips. “I was clearly better prepared.”</p><p>“There were more challenges though, weren’t there,” added Richard, much calmer now that the rhythm of the show had been established, the familiarity of it all helping no end. That and the lack of audience mocking, an idea that had seemed very intimidating beforehand. To be honest, the audience’s reaction, aside from surprise, didn’t seem much different to normal. He suspected they thought he was cute, but decades of being the little guy had left him pretty immune to that, it didn’t really feel any different.</p><p>In fact, thinking about it, it might be better – less predatory.</p><p>James nodded. “There were indeed more challenges,” he agreed.</p><p>“Later,” grinned Jeremy, moving on to the next section of the show as if everything was just the same as normal.</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>James stood leaning against his mini, a golden card in his hand, waiting impatiently for Jeremy and Richard to join him before he read out the next challenge.  </p><p>“Are you coming?” he asked them, watching Richard trying to flatten his clearly unbrushed hair as he wandered towards him, and Jeremy behind him, fiddling about in his car.</p><p>“Sorry,” grinned Richard, moving over to James more quickly. “What does it say?”</p><p>James looked piercingly at Jeremy, willing him to stop faffing about, then finally giving up and opening the envelope. “You are throwing a party at the local 10 pin bowling alley for your child’s birthday,” he began.</p><p>“Ooohhh, I like bowling,” declared Richard.</p><p>James raised an eyebrow at him. “I suppose it’s your party,” he suggested, dryly, he turned back to the challenge card. “You will each have a list of children to collect to take to the party. The children’s parents will see them get into the car, and will not allow them to come to the party if their transportation looks unsafe. There are points for each child delivered safely.”</p><p>“We’ve only got one car seat,” protested Jeremy.</p><p>“I have only got one car seat,” objected James. “You don’t have any.”</p><p>Richard muttered something under his breath.</p><p>“What?” asked James.</p><p>“Most kids my ‘age’ don’t need a car seat,” he muttered, marginally more clearly, his fingers making air quotes as he spoke.</p><p>“Fantastic!” said Jeremy. “So I was only unprepared because he’s a midget?”</p><p>Richard thumped him on the arm.</p><p>“Yes, Jeremy,” said James.</p><p>“You’re doomed,” said Richard, looking at Jeremy, then his car.</p><p>“I have considered this very eventuality,” declared Jeremy, walking back into the studio and reappearing with an inflatable sofa and a series of luggage straps.</p><p>“No parent is going to let their child get in that,” said James.</p><p>Jeremy, unperturbed, grinned at him, then looked at Richard. “He still counts.”</p><p>“No way! Jez, you’re joking!”</p><p>“If you sit in it, the parents will be much more convinced,” insisted Jeremy. “And we’re your parents, sort of, so we agree already.”</p><p>“I know he can be an irritating little so and so, but I’m not sure I agree,” put in James.</p><p>“Relax,” said Jeremy. “It’s perfectly safe.” He hurled the sofa onto the boot of the Mazda, then beckoned to Richard. “Come on Hamster, up you come.”</p><p>“I’ll check it out before I let him go,” offered James as Richard’s eyes caught his in desperation.</p><p>“Come on,” urged Jeremy, grabbing Richard’s arm and shoving him onto the precariously balanced sofa.</p><p>“Jez, this is going to last about 2 minutes,” protested Richard.</p><p>Jeremy then brandished the luggage straps, fastening several to various points on his car, and then winding them not only round the sofa, but also round Richard. “There,” he said, stepping back to admire his handiwork. “You’re not falling off now.”</p><p>James stepped forward, tugging at the various straps, and a completely immobile Richard. “He’s right,” he agreed. “You are not falling off that car.” He laughed at Richard’s alarmed expression, then moved back to the boot of his own car. “Here,” he said, handing Richard a cycle helmet. “This might make you feel better.”</p><p>“Bastards,” grumbled Richard, under his breath.</p><p>“I’m still going to win, Clarkson,” laughed James, ignoring Richard’s protests.</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>An hour later, James pulled into the bowling alley car park, having driven past it three times, the noisy kids in his car distracting him as he searched for Jeremy and Richard. Then he spotted them, already in the car park. “Cock,” he muttered, under his breath.</p><p>Jeremy stood proudly next to his car, most likely attempting to undo the spaghetti network of straps that surrounded his three back seat passengers. Three kids! Two other sets of parents who’d been convinced to let their kids ride on an inflatable sofa on the back of a convertible driven by the ape! Unbelievable!</p><p>“James,” greeted Jeremy, not looking round from his efforts to free the kids, with the assistance of his front seat passenger, who was currently talking his ear off about how much he wanted to ride on the sofa on the way back. “I have 4, and how many do you have? Is it by any chance 3 because a mini can only have 2 passengers in the back?”</p><p>“Yes, I have 3,” sighed James.</p><p>“So I am, once again, the winner, James.”</p><p>“I can’t believe it either,” put in Richard, scrambling down with the briefest hand of assistance from James. “Who knew how lax parents were about this sort of thing.”</p><p>“Let’s get on with the bowling,” said James, as the final two children were freed from the sofa and leapt down enthusiastically.</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe you made me go on that, and that other parents let you take their kids too!” exclaimed Richard, back in the studio.</p><p>“I can be very persuasive,” responded Jeremy, smugly.</p><p>“You just shoved me up there!” protested Richard. “And strapped me in!” He turned to James. “And you let him!”</p><p>James shrugged. “It seemed too good an opportunity to miss,” he grinned. “I’m more curious about the other parents.”</p><p>Richard smiled, looking up at Jeremy.</p><p>“There may have been a bit of cheating with that,” admitted Jeremy. “It’s possible everyone got to sit in the passenger seat until we reached the next house.”</p><p>James’s jaw dropped. “Let me get this straight, you pretended to their parents that they were just riding in the passenger seat?”</p><p>“Might have done.”</p><p>“You utter cheat!” he spluttered. He turned to Richard. “And you let him!”</p><p>“Well, I…” began Richard. “I didn’t like being on my own in the back, OK. The seat kept wobbling about. You’re the one who helped him leave me there!”</p><p>“If we can move this on, children,” interrupted Jeremy. “We have one more challenge – before I can declare myself victorious.”</p><p>“As if,” protested James. “You can’t win by cheating.”</p><p>Jeremy and Richard both looked at him. “Of course I can,” said Jeremy. “But anyhow, back to the film.”</p><p> </p><p>……………………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>This time, it was Richard who stood holding the envelope, the others towering over him from behind, Jeremy even needing to bend down in order to read the words.</p><p>“Schools always run the cycling proficiency test,” began Richard. “You will take your child’s bike to school, and arrive on time for the first bell.” He looked round at James. “That’s at 9am.”</p><p>“What time is it?” asked James vaguely.</p><p>Jeremy checked his watch. “Half eight.”</p><p>“I’m off,” said Richard, rapidly disappearing into the house and emerging with a small bike and his helmet already fastened, immediately jumping onto the bike and pedalling away, without either of the others even getting a word in.</p><p>“Can he do that?” asked Jeremy, shocked.</p><p>“Apparently he can, not worried are you?”</p><p>“Why would I..?” Jeremy trailed off.</p><p>“Really?” James raised his eyebrows. “Anyway, I’m going to go and grab my bike, get a move on.” He too disappeared into the garage and reappeared with an identical small bike and helmet, wheeling them over to the mini and opening the boot with a puzzled expression on his face. “I may need to take a wheel off,” he muttered.</p><p>Jeremy, watched James for a few moments with a smirk on his face, before finally commenting. “Not so spacious now, is it James?”</p><p>“You go and concentrate on yours,” complained James, his attention remaining on his attempt to get the mini’s back seats down.</p><p>“Fine,” sighed Jeremy, heading into the garage himself and returning sitting on the small bike riding with his knees entirely out to each side, wobbling and weaving, helmet forgotten.</p><p>“Oaf,” commented James, swallowing down a giggle as he took in the ridiculous sight of Jeremy on the bike. “You planning on pedalling there too?”</p><p>“Of course not!” said Jeremy, reaching into the boot of his car to produce his vast array of straps that he’d used for the previous challenge, before closing the boot again and slinging the bike on top of it, immediately beginning to wind straps around it.</p><p>Richard pedalled his way through the local streets, dodging various cars pulling out and pedestrians who clearly hadn’t noticed him, even ending up on the wrong side of the road at one point. He really was less noticeable this much lower down. Still, with a healthy dose of paranoia applied to his situation, he began to have better luck, making it to the school gates with 10 minutes to spare and taking the opportunity to find a comfortable place to sit down and look gleeful with his bike. Waiting to see which one of his mates would arrive first.</p><p>Five minutes later, there was still no sign of either of his mates, but Richard noticed he was starting to attract a lot of attention from pupils, parents and staff as they entered the school. Initially, he was thinking that it was just people thinking about asking for his autograph or a selfie, but then he realised that he didn’t look like himself anymore. They were in filming for the new series, their new younger selves hadn’t been introduced to anyone yet. Whilst James and Jeremy were still recognisable, Richard had been basking in the opportunity to enjoy some anonymity, however briefly.</p><p>So why were they staring at him now?</p><p>All too soon, his questions were answered.</p><p>“What are you doing here? You realise the bell is about to ring?” A voice full of authority approached him, clearly not very impressed with what it saw. “Where’s your uniform?”</p><p>“I…” began Richard, desperately trying not to panic. Being treated as a kid, and particularly being dragged into school, filled him with a dread that not even jet engines could approach.</p><p>“What’s your name?”</p><p>“Richard Hammond.”</p><p>The teacher snorted, but said nothing, returning his attention to Richard’s apparent misdemeanours. “Come with me.”</p><p>“My bike,” Richard managed to splutter, reaching for it.</p><p>“Richard!” called a familiar voice, causing Richard to sag in relief. “Where are you going?”</p><p>“Ah, my Dad,” said Richard, desperately. “He can explain.” He beckoned to Jeremy, yelling, “Dad!” in the hope that he would get the hint.</p><p>“What’s?” began Jeremy, blundering in as always.</p><p>“The teacher’s worried I’m missing school, Dad,” his eyes desperately trying to catch Jeremy’s, willing him to catch on quickly enough.</p><p>“Ahh,” Jeremy nodded. “Of course, I’ll just have a little word,” he suggested, physically pushing Richard back down onto his seat on the wall, and placing his arm round the surprised teacher’s shoulders. “Explain about our home schooling experiments.”</p><p>Experiments? Richard didn’t want to know. He concentrated instead on returning his breathing to normal, his knuckles tight over the edge of the wall beneath him.</p><p>“Hamster?” James touched his shoulder gently, his approach not even registered in Richard’s panic, causing Richard to flinch violently. “You OK?”</p><p>“Yeah, mostly. Just trying not to get dragged into school,” breathed Richard.</p><p>“The horrors,” laughed James, then obviously getting a better look at Richard’s face, adding, “the horrors,” again more seriously, reaching out to pull Richard off the wall and putting an arm round his shoulders. “It’s OK.”</p><p>“It’s stupid,” said Richard. “I don’t even know why it seems so horrendous.”</p><p>“I think it’s more about the lack of choice,” said James insightfully. “Not really about school at all – not that it was ever your favourite place, I suspect.”</p><p>“What are you trying to say?” exclaimed Richard indignantly, before noting the smirk on James’s face. “How did you manage to be last anyway?” he asked, turning back to their race. “I beat you and Jezza by more than five minutes.”</p><p>“It turns out that your bike doesn’t fit that well in a mini, so I had to remove a wheel.”</p><p>“And then,” interrupted Jeremy, having sent the teacher on his way, “because he’d actually used tools he had to reorganise them before he could set off.”</p><p>“I did not!” protested James. “Well, not many.”</p><p>“I beat him,” said Jeremy.</p><p>“I noticed,” replied Richard, standing more on his own now that they were both there and everyone else had gone inside. “Not sure I can comment on the state of the bike though.”</p><p>“No one said it had to be ridable!” protested Jeremy.</p><p>“It was implied,” said James. “Since it was supposed to be for a cycling proficiency course.”</p><p>“Yours is still in pieces,” observed Jeremy. “And the bell’s rung.”</p><p>“I was distracted!” James glanced down at Richard again, checking.</p><p>Richard moved over to Jeremy’s car, taking a look at the bike strapped to the back with a multitude of crisscrossing straps that would easily take ten minutes to remove. One wheel stuck out beyond the lines of the car and had clearly hit something, buckling the wheel so badly it was almost folded in half.</p><p>“I don’t think I can ride that even when you take it off the car.”</p><p>“And on that disappointment,” began Jeremy.</p><p>“Back to the studio,” said James, laughing at the older man’s glare.</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“So,” said Jeremy, striding over to the score board. “I think I’ve won.”</p><p>“How do you figure?” asked Richard, joining him.</p><p>“I won all three challenges,” said Jeremy. “I took you home, I took the most children to the party and I arrived at school first with the two wheeled monstrosity.”</p><p>“Well now you didn’t,” objected Richard. “I beat you to school by at least five minutes, and my bike was intact, which yours wasn’t.”</p><p>“It’s true, there was a bit of an issue with that,” conceded Jeremy.</p><p>“So I won the third challenge.”</p><p>“Yes, OK.”</p><p>James grinned. “And Richard was in the winning vehicle for both of the other challenges. So, I suggest, that Richard shares the points.”</p><p>“What? He can’t even drive a car…” began Jeremy, catching Richard’s raised eyebrow and convinced he could see the Stig’s tall, white figure moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. “… At the moment.”</p><p>“At the moment on the road, I think you’ll find,” pointed out Richard, grinning, completely unlike the genuinely shaken Richard in the video.</p><p>“And on that bombshell,” said Jeremy, before he could get into any more trouble. “The best car to go to school in is an old Mazda MX5, but only if you’re a passenger and you’re prepared to cycle in yourself if you need your bike at school.”</p><p>“Sounds about right,” nodded James, laughing.</p><p>Richard beamed at them, practically bouncing up and down in excitement. “Does this mean I can drive the Mazda on the track, since I won in it?”</p>
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